Parents are Asking: How Can I Help My Child With Separation Anxiety?

There's no question that separation anxiety can be harder for the parent than the child. Watching your child become anxious and upset over your leaving is heartbreaking. Today, Parents Ask expert Dr. Bonnie Zucker, Psy.D., answers questions about separation anxiety and the ways parents can cope: 
 
Q: Every time I drop my child off at school, she gets very upset having to leave me. Is this separation anxiety? What are a few easy ways for parents to cope the horrible "drop off" to school every morning?
 
Children go through the normal phase of separation anxiety at several points in their development. Morning "drop offs" at school can be quite difficult for both children and parents. Generally, as the school year progresses, these transitions become easier. To ease the process, parents can reassure their child with encouraging comments such as "Have a fun day! I will miss you and can't wait to see you later," and (if they are tearful, etc) "I know it's hard, but you can do it. Once the day begins, I know you will feel better."  Engage your child in conversation about what they will be doing at school, as this can serve as a distraction. Many children will benefit from taking a "transitional object" with them (stuffed animal, a lovey, etc) and this often bring them comfort. Packing your child's lunch and putting a little note inside is another way to comfort him or her; the note can be simple, like "I miss you and love you."
 
If a child continues to struggle with the separation, for example, if they resist the process and refuse to get out of the car, then parents may need to take a more proactive stance and come up with a plan. I recommend using a weekly calendar showing the days of the week (this can be hand-made with markers and paper), and each day that the transition goes well (e.g., proper goodbye, under 2 minutes, and so on), the child earns a sticker. This calendar will serve as a traditional sticker chart in which the child can earn small prizes or rewards for getting 3 stars in a week, then 4 stars, 5 stars. A charting system like this also helps measure progress, and patterns are more easily observed. Children should be included in some parts of developing the plan, like decorating the calendar or coming up with reasonable prizes. The goal is for the child to adjust to the transition and for the process to run smoothly.