As exciting as trying to get pregnant can be, there comes a point for many couples where their eager efforts leave them unsuccessful for months on end.  Last week, Parents Ask expert Carin Goldstein discussed ways to communicate through this frustrating period, and offered tips on how to keep the passion alive. Today, she's sharing her thoughts on how couples can work through the stress and emotional challenges involved in "baby-making."

Q:  After trying to get pregnant for over a year, we've finally found out that I have some fertility problems. I feel terrible and sad and I'm worried my husband will grow resentful. How can we work through this without letting the anger and stress build up?

A:  Without a doubt, trying to conceive can be one of the most stressful experiences for a couple who is faced with fertility challenges.  One of the biggest pitfalls couples slip into during this stressful time is when they emotionally detach from each other.  Many factors come into play such as each person's normal ego and feelings of self-worth:  a woman may feel like her body is not "doing what it's supposed to do" and a man may feel just as ill-equipped when the fertility issues are due to a low sperm count.  Couples can feel even further removed from each other when one person begins to feel resentful toward his or her partner who is having fertility issues.  When this happens it is vital for that person to take responsibility for his or her feelings which can range from depression, to disappointment, to anger, etc.

Given the heightened emotions surrounding such an emotional time, it may behoove the partner feeling resentful to seek counseling so that his or her feelings can be worked through in a productive way without spilling over and causing the other partner to feel like a failure.

 

What can also add to the emotional stress during this time is the different styles of expressing ones emotions.  When challenged with infertility, women generally tend to emote their feelings of frustration and sadnessand have a need to process these feelings where as a man may show a stiff upper lip on the exterior and be more interested in exploring solutions rather than feelings.  When this happens, the wife may feel as if the husband doesn't care as much as she does by not being able to conceive.  She might also assume that she is the only one experiencing these emotions, hence feeling very disconnected from her spouse.  Couples need to remember that just because one person may not be wearing his or her emotions on their sleeve, doesn't mean that he or she isn't feeling some degree of emotional pain or stress.

 

When dealing with the challenges of infertility, couples need to try and focus on making sure that no other added stress is brought into the relationship by their own doing.  If anything, the couple will feel much more supported through this difficult process if both partners are always working together as a united team.