We are having a great debate in our house.   We are at a crossroad, so to speak.  Well, let me rephrase that.  I am at a crossroad…sort of.  And what is it we’re contemplating?  Children, as in, whether there should be more children in our family.  What this really comes down to is whether or not it’s time to explore a more permanent option for birth control; a vasectomy.   We agreed long ago that my husband would undergo this procedure at some point in our lives.  What we cannot agree on is when?

Metaphorically speaking of that crossroad – my husband, has blown right past it.  No needing to slow down and take in the scenery.  No contemplating which direction to take.  He is on the fast-track to vasectomy town.  He’s ready to roll. (Or should I say snip?)  I, on the other hand, am not so definitive in my decision.  I have one foot down his road, and one lingering in sort of a nowhere land.  I don’t want to have any more children, yet I can’t commit to ending that possibility for good.

This is the part that puzzles me.  I don’t want any more children.  I have said this time and time again.  And I mean it.  I really do.  I can give one hundred and one reasons why I am perfectly content with my two daughters.  In evidence to that very fact, I have given away every single piece of baby gear I owned.  I have passed on all of my maternity clothes to friends and strangers.  The tubs and tubs of baby clothes I held onto “just in case” have long since been distributed among countless people.  I have nothing left but some sentimental items and some toys I kept to bring out someday for my grandchildren.  I practically banished it all upon making the decision we were “done,” although there were tears shed when I watched some of it leave the house.  It was very sentimental, as so many memories and firsts were wrapped up in those items.   

I’ll say it again. I am completely content with our two girls. Part of my rationale for having no more kids has stemmed from the fact that my second child has kept me on my toes a bit more than my first.  I’m not going to lie; there are times when she is a force to be reckoned with.  It’s those times in which I stand my ground firmly on the “no more kids” policy.  In addition, my husband travels quite a lot for his job and when he’s been gone for four days and my daughters have vowed to set a new record for whining, I might quite rather bang my head against the wall than throw a baby into the mix. When we return home from Disney World and everything seemed so seamless and wonderful, I reassure myself that it’s much easier to travel with children when you’re not outnumbered, not to mention less expensive.  I could go on and on about all the reasons why two is the perfect number of children for our family.  Let’s just say I feel like I function at my best as a mother with two kids.  I can honestly say I am utterly happy with our family dynamic.  I feel as though we are whole.

I will however, admit to sometimes dreaming up baby names for a child that will likely never exist.  I do sometimes feel a tinge of jealousy when I see a pregnant woman and when I hold my friends’ babies, it truly feels like a little bit of heaven.  I could breathe in those precious little bundles forever.  And I practically do until their mothers tear them away for a feeding or diaper change.  I am well aware however that there is much more to raising a child than just cuddling for hours on end.  It’s all the other stuff that I am not necessarily in the market for. 

So what I am trying desperately to figure out is why I can’t schedule that appointment for my husband.  He has brought home literature and gotten a recommendation for a doctor.  All he is waiting on is the thumbs up from me.  And for some reason, I just can’t give it to him.  I keep telling him I am afraid I will change my mind a year from now.  At this point, I can’t fathom that I will, but closing the door entirely is so permanent.  It’s literally ending a chapter of our lives.  And I wonder if perhaps that is where my head is.  Perhaps it’s not that I want another baby, rather, that I am really struggling with the reality that my daughters are growing up.  I long for them to stay little.  With every day comes another milestone, they grow taller, they get more and more independent.   I look back at their baby pictures and it feels like yesterday.  I always thought people were exaggerating when they said it goes by in the blink of an eye.  I know now that it really does seem that way. It baffles me how quickly my children have grown.  This most precious gift of watching them grow seems like such a struggle between holding on and eventually having to let go.  So while I watch with great anticipation to see what amazing adults my daughters will become; sometimes I wish I could make time stand still.  I want to keep them forever in my home as these endearing little kids, so full of wonder and amazement. 

I wonder sometimes if perhaps the distraction of a baby might take a bit of the sting away of the others growing older.  Maybe you don’t focus so much on the fact that your other children are no longer babies when you’re still raising one.  I’m not at all implying that people have children based entirely on that fact, but I can totally see how it might be a little added benefit. 

I have no idea what I’m going to do.  (Do you like how I say “I” as though I would be the one undergoing the procedure?) People keep telling me, “You’ll know when you’re done,” and if you asked me right now, I’d say to you without hesitation, “I’m done.”  I just don’t know why I can’t commit to the surgical finality.  I suppose there’s no harm in waiting a while longer.  I mean, it’s not like anyone is forcing us to make a decision immediately.  Or perhaps I’ll make a hasty decision the next time one of my girls pulls an all-nighter.  Regardless, I guess I’m the only person who can close that door completely.  So for now, we’ll just leave it cracked a tiny bit. 



Melanie Chezem is a freelance writer and stay-at-home mom to two little girls.  Whether it's life as a parent or life in general, she tells it like it is at www.mommyspills.com.

See Also:

-When is the Right Time to Have a Second Child?

-Who Should Get My Attention First--Husband or Kids?

-Should I Have Another Child?