For most families, the holiday season is a great time of year filled with laughter, happiness, and great memories. However, it can be a very difficult time of year for the single parent who may not have their family around due to joint custody scheduling or circumstances in their divorced relationship…

This is especially hard for newly single parents who have to cope with holiday anxiety and spending this time of year away from their children and former married life for the first time. 

The family courts do their best to schedule what they think are fair and reasonable custody schedules, however, I think times have changed in joint custody relationships and I see more and more fathers taking an active role in their children’s everyday lives. I don’t see Dad’s getting a fair shake on overall child custody despite the progress Dad’s are making these days.

 When it comes to holidays, the courts can not measure the effects the holiday schedule has on divorced families and the extended family network that is used to sharing the holidays together.  Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins all expect the nuclear family to share the holiday…Unfortunately, everyone suffers the experience of a divorce and single parent holiday for that first time. 

When you are a two parent family that transitions into a single parent family, the holidays can bring on a lot of new emotions and challenges. Here is some advice for every single parent going through this transition to help ease your holiday anxiety. 

Step One: You’re Not Alone. 

One of the first epiphanies that I had was during my first holiday without my kids. I realized that I was not the only one feeling sad. My parents, my brother, my sister, cousins, aunts and uncles were all feeling a little sad in their own way. I think the best advice that I can give any newly divorced parent is to allow your family members to share their feelings and not take it personally. Understand that they are hurting like you are, and their lives have changed as well.  Yes, you may hear some crazy “family stuff” that’s been hanging around for years, but if you don’t allow your family to share their feelings, you’re going to stop the healing process that everyone needs to go through. And the last thing you want during this holiday is to make your new life transition a charade. Nobody wants to play charades the rest of their life!  Just remember, your family is going to be there for you and you are not alone in this process.  

Step two: Don’t be alone. 

Don’t spend your holidays alone.  I can remember the first Christmas Eve / Christmas I spent without my kids. All I wanted to do was to take a Tylenol PM and sleep through the holiday so I wouldn’t have to think about the fact that my kids were not with me, I have discovered that a lot of newly divorced people feel the same way.  It’s sometimes called “sleep walking through life” or being “numb to the world”. There is this tendency for the newly divorced to withdraw from the world and forget about the most important person to take care of  - yourself.  In my case, I decided not to miss Christmas.  I packed an overnight bag, got into my car and drove to my parent’s house.  

It is easy to abuse your body and your mind with excessive eating, drinking, or medicating during the holidays.  I found myself eating and drinking excessively and I was on a very unhealthy path. The point I make is simple: If you are going to be “no good” to the world, how are you going to be any good to your children? Don’t ever forget your children. 

Step Three: Friends 

Having a network of friends can really help ease the holiday anxiety if you do not have family around.  I am very grateful that I have a large network of friends from a variety of stages in my life, (high school, college, work).  Many of these friends are in different stages of their lives, (married, divorced, single, children, no children). It helps to have a large network of friends, because you never know who is going to be around town for the holidays and sometimes a “Let’s catch up e-mail” or chat on the phone can bring you many options. The most important advice on this topic that I can offer is this: Don’t be afraid to call your friends or invite your friends over to see you.  Don’t be afraid to initiate. 

Many of our friends do not even know what we are going through and it is important to open up and communicate if the holidays are bringing you down.  Learn some new activities with your friends - get active and stay connected. I have discovered that a lot of people get reconnect during the holidays for this very reason.  Stay busy, stay healthy and stay connected with your friends. 

So, what if you do not have family or friends close by during the holidays? A great solution is to volunteer in your community or join a social networking group.  The gift of giving during the holidays has a special meaning. Great places to volunteer are homeless shelters, church groups, and non-profit organizations. They all offer holiday events where you can volunteer your time and help other human beings.  I have gone alone as a single parent and have gotten so much more out of the holidays than I ever thought possible.  You meet great people and the memories last a lifetime. 

If volunteering is not for you, there are many social networking groups that offer great holiday activities. Nowadays, you can find just about any type of social gathering.  One of the main reasons I created Singledad.com was to get single fathers to meet each other and to create opportunities for parents to network. 

There are also other great sites that help create positive social networking for all single parents: 

•    Meetup.com 

•    IHeartSingleparents.com 

Both of these sites sponsor great social events for the holidays. 

Step Four: The New You 

Create new traditions with your new life. One of the most exciting things about this stage in your life is realizing that you are now in charge of a new future.  Take this chance to plan and create new holiday traditions with your children. Talk to your kids and sit down with them and plan out your time during the holidays. Find out what they want to do and plan a whole new holiday event around them. This is the best time to reconnect with your family, friends, and children. 

Understanding these four steps can really help your transition to your new life transition as a single parent. In my own experience, I found that once I got through these steps, my holidays seemed to be a lot less stressful and more enjoyable. I hope the same for you.

Richard “RJ” Jaramillo, 45, is the Founder of SingleDad.com, a website and social media resource dedicated to single parenting and specifically for the newly divorced, re-married, widowed and single Father with children. RJ is self employed, entrepreneur living in San Diego and a father of three children. The mission of SingleDad is to help the community of Single Parents “Make Life Happen…Again!”