You appreciate their little (or big) imaginations, you really do. But, with their budding vocabularies and sense of wonder comes some major fibbing... lying really. How to determine what's a lie and how to react to them, especially out of the mouths of a preschooler is a tough challenge. Today, Parents Ask expert Elizabeth Pantley, author of The No-Cry Discipline Solution answers this question:

Q:  Lately I’ve been catching my preschooler in small lies, such as “I didn’t do it” when  I know that he did.  I’m reluctant to call him a liar, so what should I do?



You are right that it’s best to avoid tagging a child with any unpleasant label, as children form opinions of who they are, and we don’t want them to view themselves in a negative way based on a few mistakes. We do want to deal with lying whenever it happens, teach our children about honesty, and prevent it from becoming a habit.

Children don’t tell the truth for a number of different reasons. They lie so they won’t get in trouble, they lie to cover embarrassment, or they lie because they don’t make the distinction between fact and fiction. Mainly, they lie because they don’t understand the importance of always telling the truth. Teaching your child the value of telling the truth takes time, consistency and patience. Here are a few important Dos and Don’ts.

What TO Do:



Make telling the truth a family value.

Children learn what traits are important to you by your words and actions. Choose those values that are most important to you, such as being truthful, and discuss them with your child from time to time. You can point out the subject when it comes up in books, in movies or in life experiences.



Focus on finding a solution instead of laying blame.

When your child makes a mistake, and comes forward with the truth, resist the urge to yell or punish. Instead, involve him in finding solutions. “Regardless of how it happened, the lamp is broken. What are we going to do about it?”



Don’t build unreasonable expectations.

Children sometimes lie because they feel they’re not meeting your expectations, and they think it’s easier to lie than disappoint you. Take a look at how you respond to your child’s mistakes or inadequacies, and make sure you leave room for imperfections.

Teach your child to take responsibility for his mistakes.

If you witness him doing something wrong coach your child to say, “I was wrong. I’m sorry.” This is something many adults still have trouble doing – so start him young. People who are comfortable admitting their mistakes are less likely to lie to cover them up.



Model truthfulness.

When your child hears you telling “little white lies” you are teaching your child something important about honesty.  Don’t sneak him in the movies with a child’s ticket if he’s past the age limit, for example.



What NOT To Do:



Don’t ask questions that set your child up to lie.
 When your child has chocolate on his face and the empty candy wrapper is on the table, don’t ask, “Did you eat the candy that was sitting here?”  Instead make a statement of fact; “I’m disappointed that you ate the candy without asking.”



Don’t assume a lie if you are not sure.

If you suspect your child isn’t telling the truth, but you’re not 100% sure, then don’t accuse him of lying, but do express your concern. “It appears that you’ve eaten the candy.” Or “That doesn’t sound like the truth to me.”



Don’t assume your child is lying to be naughty.
  Your child may be afraid to confess what he’s done for fear of the punishment or fear of disappointing you. That’s different from purposely lying to deceive you.  It still requires a lesson, but be gentle when teaching.