If you're child insists on wearing the most hideous pair of sweatpants (thanks, MIL) to school, EVERY SINGLE DAY, you may have to give up the fight. That's right. Today, Parents Ask expert Betsy Brown Braun, author of You're Not the Boss of Me (Harper Collins, May 2010) explains that this isn't a battle worth fighting to one of our readers:

Q: How do you get a 4 year old to not throw temper tantrums about what she's wearing? I have a 4 (almost 5) year old girl. She has always had problems controlling her emotions, but one big area is what she wears. She is EXTREMELY picky about clothes and wants to wear the same dress to school every day. Is this a battle worth fighting? Please help!



A:  It’s not surprising that you have an almost five year old who is picky about anything! Being picky is just one of the ways that children express their growing autonomy and individuality. It is also a way for this age child to feel big and in control in a world where she is small and doesn’t have a whole lot of control over many things.



I always tell parents there are two things we don’t fight over with our kids:  Food and Clothing! That doesn’t mean you give in. It means you don’t go to war.



Four and five year olds should be choosing the clothes they wear. Don’t faint! It is just one of the ways that they become self reliant, and they become responsible about what they wear.  Here is my advice to you. Take everything out of your daughter’s closet that she cannot wear. That’s right, take it out and put it in another closet. That means the costumes, the party clothes, the Crocs,  etc…  Explain to her that she IS in charge of what she wears to school, and she can pick whatever she wants out of her closet. And let her know that there are a few “house rules.”    She may not wear to school the clothes in which she sleeps and vice versa. She may not wear dirty clothing…that means clothes with visible (impermanent) spots, body smells (pee or poop), or just plain grunge. If it’s snowing and she picks shorts, so be it. (You should have taken the shorts out of the closet!) Children do not get sick from being cold. They get sick from germs. When she comes to the breakfast table wearing a sundress, let it go. Do not comment on what she is wearing. Not one word. You may only say, “I see you picked your clothes out. Good for you.  What would you like for breakfast?”



It sounds like your daughter may have an issue with the way certain fabrics and articles of clothing feel. Many children are “tactilely defensive” in this way. If this is the case with your child, make sure you have several of the same comfy thing for her to wear day after day.



Maybe she is going through the stage through which many girls pass at some point:  only dresses. This too will pass. The more you try to talk her out of it, the longer it will last.



Now hear this: This is not about you! No one will judge you for what your daughter wears. Please do not worry if she chooses to wear the same thing over and over, or if it doesn’t match, of if it’s downright hideous or inappropriate for the weather. It’s her choice, and only YOU care! If it is dirty, she will need to pick out something else form her closet. Otherwise, this is one of those control issues we don’t fight about.