Tantrums and Toddlers: two words that go hand in hand. Add a new sibling to the mix... and you've got a recipe for disaster. Sure, these waters may be rocky but there are ways to navigate through these challenging times and make sure your family stays afloat. Recently a reader asked this:

Q: Any tips on how to deal with a "spirited" toddler who has started to have tantrums since her new sister arrived five weeks ago?"

Parents Ask expert Joanne Stern, PhD, author of Parenting is a Contact Sport: 8 Ways to Stay Connected To Your Kids for Life, weighs in:

A:  It can be so difficult for a toddler—or a young child—to deal with a new arrival in the family. Remember that this child has been the baby and the focus of most of the attention since the day he or she was born. To be suddenly replaced would be hard for anyone. It’s especially difficult for a child so young, who doesn’t really understand.



Years ago, I knew a five year old child who began to get stomach aches during dinner because she was jealous of the attention her new baby sister was receiving. Getting sick was evidently the only strategy her little psyche could come up with to grab the attention away from the baby and focus it back on her. The deficit she felt was real, and her parents rightly showered her with the attention and affection she felt she was missing.

 

So give your toddler as much of your undivided attention as you can. Help ease her into her new situation by showing understanding of her emotional predicament. Spend time with her alone—without her new sister. Play special games with her and let her know how precious she still is to you. Cuddle and hug her and tell her how much you love her. When her new sister receives gifts from family and friends, give an occasional small gift to her too so that she doesn’t feel left out. 



When she throws herself into a tantrum, don’t give her the attention that she wants. This is the time to ignore her, walk away and leave her to herself. Only make sure she isn’t going to hurt herself. At some point she will learn that her negative behavior doesn’t produce the results she wants and she is more likely stop.



First and foremost, kids want to please. If doing pleasing behaviors gets them the attention they need, they don’t need to resort to bad behaviors. But if they continue to do behaviors that they think you will like, and you don’t respond positively, they will begin negative behaviors. They would rather have negative attention than no attention at all.