Divorce is complicated. Especially when children are involved. Making sure, however, that both parents are invested in making the separation an easy is paramount. Today, Parents Ask expert Dr. Bonnie Zucker, author of The Anxiety Free Kid, answers this question:

Q: If my husband and I were to separate, is there an age that would be better for our child? I've heard that the younger they are the better... Is this true? Any tips on how to make it an easier transition?



Children of all ages will experience some change if their parents separate; children feel it when the family dynamics shift. Parental separation and/or divorce is difficult and very sad for children, even the resilient ones.  In most cases, the child will be impacted by the actual separation including missing the parent who moves out and the sense of loss of the family unit. However, children also may be impacted indirectly, such as by feeling the increased stress level in one or both of their parents, changes in living and child care arrangements, and the impact of changes in financial resources. At minimum, the routine will change and this will cause an impact on the child. Even infants have been shown to be affected by losses in their family.  For the most part, the younger the child is, the easier it will be for them to adjust (yet, it is not to be assumed that just because the child doesn't have the verbal skills to communicate, that he or she is not feeling the loss). Older children will have more questions, be able to understand more of what is happening, and as a result, the impact on them will be greater. In addition, school-age children will have more to manage- school and social situations- in addition to family life.

 

If parents are unable to work through their difficulties, and choose to separate, then there are several key principles to keep in mind (and these are just the basics; there is a lot more to say about handling this transition well- see book recommendations below): the more predictable and consistent the new routine, the better- children should know when they will see each parent, where, etc and everything should be written or drawn for them on a calendar; ideally, children should stay in the same house/residence as before- the parent who moves out should be allowed to visit them at the house- and 2-4 months should pass before they see the "new" residence of the parent who moves out; the process of separation should be gradual and there should still be family dinners, etc. (keep in mind that children will want more and more of these, so they should be planned in advance and not occurring spontaneously); children should not witness fighting or violence, and parents should not blame each other or say negative comments about each other to the children; children should not be introduced to their parent's new partners (if one exists) until 8-12 months after the separation; and, children should be given ample space to process and grieve this loss- they need to understand and work through their feelings.

 

For more on this topic, refer to "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" by Judith Wallerstein; "The Truth about Children and Divorce: Dealing with the emotions so you and your children can thrive" by Dr. Robert Emery; ;and "Why Did you Have to Get a Divorce? And when can I get a hamster?" by Dr. Anthony Wolfe. A great book for children to read is "Dinosaurs Divorce" by Marc Brown as it explains what is happening in a clear and comforting manner.