Today, Parents Ask expert Dr. Joanne Stern answers this question about "the sex talk"-

Q: How do I explain to my young teenager about waiting to have sex? I found out she lost her virginity almost 6 months afterwards but she acted like it was her first time. Then when I confronted her bf, at that time, he was the one who told me that he wasn’t her first. I was and still am very hurt that I couldn’t stop it in time. I’ve already taken her to a doctor for a pregnancy test and thank God it came back negative. But now it’s like she has these urges for sex. She’s planning on having sex again soon and I’m scared. Help me!!!!



A:  Talking with your kids about sex should begin very early—long before they have any urges at all and are mostly disinterested in the entire topic. Let them know when they’re young that you are comfortable with the topic. If they feel safe talking with you, they are much more likely to talk with you before they make decisions on their own and you will have the opportunity to share your thoughts, your opinions and your wisdom. Remember that you cannot control the outcomes of your kids’ behavior, but you do have the opportunity for very powerful and positive input.



There is not just one conversation—I often hear parents say, “Yes, we had the talk.” That is already very shallow thinking. These conversations go on and on. You should be having many of them—every time you have the chance. You need to be talking, not only about sex and sexuality, birth control, pregnancy, disease and date rape. Those are actually the easy topics.



Talk with them about self-esteem and self-respect and how they can lose it when they have sex with the wrong person or too often. Talk with them about promiscuity and their moral compass and setting their standards high because they deserve it. Share with them the concepts of setting boundaries, saying no and standing up for themselves and not falling to peer pressure or to the pressure of a guy in the heat of the moment. Let them know that there’s sex with intimacy and sex without intimacy and when you have sex with people you don’t really love, it can ruin your ability to enjoy the most fulfilling experience with the one you do love later on. Talk about how their reputation can be damaged and girls (especially) can become known as “the girl who does.” Kids don’t realize that emotions get involved in a deeper way when sex is involved and they can get more deeply hurt when the other person walks away. They also don’t understand how sex clouds the other issues in a relationship making it more difficult to see who the other person really is. For girls, their bodies get invaded. It’s worth talking with them about how they feel about that concept. Kids often think that sex secures a relationship—it does not. And when they’re young, it catapults them too early into adulthood, something they aren’t yet ready for in any other area of their lives. Sex can change the relationship with the partner and also with other friends who are not engaging in sexual activity and they might lose more than they gain.



Talking about these and other aspects of sex can open up your teens to thoughts and perspectives they have never had. It can cement a trusting and respectful relationship between you and your child.  Even if you can’t persuade them to wait, you will have the opportunity to walk by their side and give them the advantage of learning more than they could ever imagine about relationships, sex and sexuality.