How do you handle your child's emotions on FEELING LEFT OUT? One reader asks:

Q: How do I talk to my young child about feeling left out? How do I reassure them about their situation? Do I need to take any steps with other parents/school/ friends etc?

Dr. Bonnie Zucker, Psy.D, author of Anxiety Free Kids answers:

A: Seeing your child feel left out can be heartbreaking. We all want our children to have a sense of belonging and be well-liked by others. Hopefully, your child will be given many opportunties to have this experience (if this doesn't occur naturally, then parents need to create these situations by having their child be a part of play groups or other activities in which they can connect with other children). A good starting point when talking to your child is to normalize their experience and validate their feelings. Saying something like, "It's so hard when we feel left out- and all kids feel this way at times. I know it feels bad," and encouraging them to verbalize their feelings can be all they need.  Providing them with ideas to try be included can help them feel more empowered; for example, have them invite other kids over for a playdate, or bring a cool toy to use as an icebreaker to approach other children. Giving reassurance is useful, and can help your child feel better; however, the reassurance should focus on how great your child is, how they have so much to offer in a friendship, etc, rather than focus on how the situation will change and how they will soon be included, etc.

The primary goal in this situation is to help protect your child's self-esteem. If you catch your child making self-deprecating remarks, make sure to correct your child and tell them not to personalize the situation, which can be hard to do. Personalization is a type of thinking error in which the person takes more responsibility for a negative situations than they should, and they make it about them when it is not. When correcting these errors in thinking, help your child come up with more healthy, balanced thoughts such as "Not everyone plays well together, and these kids are not being very nice," and "I know there are many kids who I would enjoy playing with, who would also enjoying playing with me." Then, come up with a plan for your child to do something fun instead- whether it is playing on their own or doing an activity with you.

 

If possible, parents of young children should try to intervene with the parents of other children who are doing the excluding; in children younger than eight, parents have more control and power over how their child treats other children, as peer groups tend not to be so rigidly developed before this age. To get involved, parents can gently share with the other parents that their child is excluding others and how they want to prevent this from becoming a behavior pattern that can be hurtful and damaging to other children.

 

Does Dr. Bonnie's Zucker