For many parents, talking to their kids about how, when, and where it is appropriate to touch "private parts" can be an uncomfortable discussion. Recently, one of our readers asked this:

Q: My 4 year old son is playing with his penis and I would like to know what to do to stop it. He is doing it in front of people.

Parents Ask expert Dr. Foster Cline responds:

A: There are many behaviors, like a child playing with his penis, or girls rubbing themselves in class that embarrass adults who don’t quite know how to handle the problem. Because the behavior is socially inappropriate there is sometimes an over-reaction. One thing for sure: showing frustration or anger makes the situation worse.

 

So what will work?

 

Usually isolating the child works, but only if it is carried out in the right manner. The adult come-through must be matter of fact, not negative and should be SELF referenced to the adult. The response lets the child know that he or she is not a bad kid, but that we have trouble viewing the scene. Depending on the child’s age, the mom gives the message, “I know that you may like to do that, but it hassles my eyeballs, and I don’t like looking at it. So if you are going to do that, where would you like to go to practice and get it out of your system?”

 

There are lots of behaviors that parents are wise not to try to stop, but to change where it takes place - sort of like changing to flow of a river, but not trying to dam it. And the fact is, when a child, who generally likes to be around loving parents, learns that he or she is consistently isolated with love when they show behavior obnoxious to others, it usually ends the behavior. (The length of isolation depends on the child, but it often has to be longer than 1 minute per year of age, that’s for sure!)