Recently a reader asked this:

Q: "My husband and I have been disagreeing on parenting issues. How can we work together to stay united on this stuff? I fear it's driving us apart... and worse, our kids are going to suffer from lack of consistency."

Parents Ask expert Carin Goldstein, MFT weighs in:

A: Next to money, different parenting styles and philosophies are one of the most common issues of conflict among couples so take comfort that you are not alone.  That said, you are being pro-active in wanting to focus on giving your kids a consistent message.



There are times when parents give a child a conflicting message (one parent says one thing, the other parent says something else).  This conflicting message can stem from a variety of different things including: a power struggle in the relationship (i.e.: one parent goes out of their way to give a conflicting message to the child just to be obstinate to their spouse), ego, parents simply disagreeing on parenting ideology, etc. Therefore, the question I would ask of you both is: "What is the core reason as to why there is not a meeting of the minds and having a shared message to give to your child?"  This situation will test how well you and your spouse communicate with each other as this is something that needs to be explored thoroughly for the benefit of your child.  If you discover that you truly have different parenting philosophies, then it may benefit you both to consult with a child specialist regarding how certain parenting styles can affect a child and what is/isn't developmentally appropriate.  Many times I see couples in conflict with each other because one parent has unrealistic expectations of their son or daughter (i.e.: expecting your 3 year old to react to a situation in a more "logical" way - a 3 year old's brain is still unable to process logic or reason).



Also, it's important to remember that you and your spouse will parent a little differently because naturally you're two different people.  One parent may have more of a direct or a disciplinarian persona, while the other parent might have a more tender approach.  It's important to note that this difference in style will not be a detriment to your child's well being. The goal as parents is to create and set appropriate limits which allows your child to develop and grow in a healthy way.  If you and your husband can find a way to at least hit that goal, then you will be working as a united front.