Every now and then, an argument with your spouse or partner may be hard to avoid. But according to Parents Ask expert and author Dr. Bonnie Zucker, Psy.D, parents need to do their very best to limit the amount of fighting that they do in front of their children. Today, she's weighing in on this very common relationship/ parenting question:

Q: How detrimental is fighting in front of the kids? Is there any damage to the relationship when things are put on hold just because of the kid?



A: Generally, parents need to recognize that they are models for their children. Kids learn how to solve problems, cope with stress, feel better, and so on, largely from their parents. So, seeing their parents fight is another form of modeling. The goal is not necessary to not have parental conflict; rather, the goal is for parents to model dealing with conflict in a healthy, respectful, and effective manner. In fact, healthy conflict resolution is one of the most accurate predictors of marital success and happiness. While I recommend that parents keep their "fights" and arguments private and out of the children's awareness, there will be occasions in which things come up in front of the children and at these times, parents need to do their best to remain calm, not raise voices or name-call, not model "stonewalling" which is when one person becomes a stone wall and ignores the other, and instead, discuss the issue in a reasonable, solution-oriented way, much like you would work out a disagreement with a co-worker- there are boundaries you wouldn't dare cross. When arguing in front of your children, you should respect those same boundaries and not show contempt or be critical or dismissing.

 

Parents should be able to delay the fighting until the next opportunity to be alone (and not around the kids) arises, without the relationship being damaged. This will benefit children immensely. Ideally, parents should agree to postpone the argument until later and in the meantime, should return to getting along well while with their children. It may be helpful to come up with a code word, like "rose" or "painting" or something more unique like "Pink Floyd" that serves as a reminder that the agreement is to postpone the fight/discussion until later, and move along with day peacefully. When parents can do this successfully, they may find later on that the fight was actually not very important and can truly be let go of; some fights and disagreements require discussion and working-through, while others simply are insignificant.

 

It can be challenging to put off dealing with the problem, but this is part of effective parenting. There is a reason why Judith Viorst, author of Necessary Losses included a chapter entitled "Love and Hate in the Married State" in her book: while you can love your partner sincerely and intensely, he or she can also push your buttons! The thing to remember, above all, is that while you and your partner may recover from these fights unscathed, your child on the other hand may be deeply affected by it. Children who see their parents fight, particularly in inappropriate ways, often feel anxious, scared, and sad.

 

A great reference for parents who wish to learn more about healthy conflict resolution is Dr. John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.