Recently, one of our readers wrote in and asked this:

Q: Does a 3 year old know what he is saying when he tattles on himself? Does he not yet understand their will be a consequence? My son is constantly annoying his 9 mo old sister and gets in trouble. Everyday he is told  how his behavior is not acceptable and hurts people. Then when my husband comes home from work, he tells him "Daddy, I hurt my sister today or I pushed her down." Does he not realize he will be in trouble and this is not a good thing? Please advise.

Parents Ask expert and "Parenting Doctor" Dr. Ann Corwin responds:

A: Here is the deal.. Most three year olds are not able to use 'reason and logic' yet.  Doesn't mean they aren't smart, just means their brains are not able to connect what they do with what might happen to them if they do it!

What this three year old is doing is very normal.  They are reporting what they hear their parent say to them.  And this is how they keep a relationship going with their parents.

So he is telling his Dad about his day as soon as he walks in, because that is what his Mom told him he did during the day.  And no, he does not know that this reporting will get him in trouble, he thinks it is how he builds a relationship with his Dad...by sharing his day.

Finally, to help the three year old understand that 'hurting and pushing down' is not a good way to have a relationship with his sister his parent (Mom or Dad), whoever sees the behavior needs to do this:

1) As soon as the 3 yr. old pushes their sibling, Mom/Dad needs to remove him, without saying word from behind with the 3 yr. olds back to the parent's chest.  And just put him somewhere away from their sibling.  This is designed to stop the behavior in the middle of it!

2) In order to change this behavior toward their sibling when the Mom/Dad sees the 3 yrs. old playing gently with their younger sibling, look at them, touch them and say, "I love the way you are touching your sister, it is so gentle, she loves that"!

3)The 3 yr. old only cares about keeping their relationship with their parent, so if the parent gives them 'connection' when they are gentle with their sibling, instead of telling them to "stop pushing & hurting" very quickly the 3 yr. old will start with gentle touches so their parent talks to them about that!

Results will be when Dad comes home the 3 yr. old will say, "Daddy I touched my sister gentle today" because now they report what gets a relationship with Dad!  Then Dad looks, touches and talks about gentle touches.