It can be hard to sit by and watch your daughter suffer through dealing with nasty gossip, and it can be very tempting to call the parents of the girls involved and put a stop to the rumors through authoritative force. But, there are certain things to think about before stepping in. First, talk with your daughter and gauge how willing and comfortable she is in handling it on her own. Give her the encouragement to healthfully confront the girls gossiping and ask them to stop. Encourage her to not fight back with her own gossip or rumors. But to be clear, direct, and short with her request. For instance, "What you are saying is hurting me. Please stop." That's it. If the gossiping doesn't stop - then you must consider what confronting this girl's mother will do to the relationship. Will the other mother be open to hearing what you have to say? Will she blame your daughter or deny that her daughter could do such a thing? Sometimes, going directly to another parent, unless you have an existing relationship, can do more harm than good. But I always institute a "zero tolerance policy,” meaning that, at the very first sign this gossip is a threat in any physical way to your daughter, don't deny it or negate it away - go to the other parent or a school authority immediately. You may also want to contact the school. if the gossip is affecting your daughter’s life out of school, or her grades, think about going to your daughter’s teacher first. Teachers know their students well, and may be able to squash the issue without the girls even realizing that the victim said anything (i.e., “told on them”). If that does not solve the issue, then think about requesting a meeting with both the other girl’s mother and the teacher. It’s always good to have an objective party involved.




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CarmenConnors
2 yearss ago
YES...step in! If the gossip is malicious, quash it. I have many reasons for this. 1. Show your child that you are not afraid to support her and stand up for what is right. 2. Show the other child that she can't get away with it. 3. Show your daughter that it's ok to stop being friends with toxic people. This may mean that I as the parent will lose the other girl's mother as my friend, but I'm ok with that. Here's what happened in my case. A very good friend of my daughter's (call her Amy) started a rumor about my daughter (call her Becky) by having a facebook conversation with a third girl (call her Carrie) whom neither Amy nor Becky knew very well. Amy and Becky attend a small, specialized school in our community and spend a lot of time together outside of school doing dance classes and competitions. Carrie goes to the big high school in town and so knows a lot more of the kids in their age group in our town. My daughter, Becky, will be attending that school next year. In that facebook conversation, Amy told Carrie that Becky gave boys BJ's and wouldn't be surprised if she was also sleeping around with boys. Once I found out about this (and so much has now happened that I honestly don't even remember how I found out), I arranged to meet with Amy's parents. It turned out that I was only able to meet with her father, but I calmly and factually told him what I knew. I was a bit disappointed in his overall summation of the situation which was a shake of the head and the comment "Kids, hey?". So, home I went and dispite my disappointment in his response, I felt better and no longer had that sinking feeling in my stomach. The next morning I received several texts from the mother who said she was disappointed in her daughter and thought the solution would be to sit the girls down to talk it out. I'm ok with that approach, however, I wasn't going to force my daughter to do that, since she was still harbouring feelings of anger towards Amy. I told Amy's mother that I what I would like at this point was an email written by Amy, addressed to Carrie and cc'd to Becky, myself and Amy's parents. I wanted the email to state what Amy had said to Carrie and admit that she had lied about it and also to apologize to Becky. Amy's mother agreed to this, and within an hour of school being let out that day, we all received the email. I feel that this email was an important part of the 'quashing of the rumor' since we now have proof that the initial comments made by Amy were indeed lies and that Amy was herself admitting it. The email serves as a permanent record that Amy is capable of this and hopefully she will think twice before pulling a stunt like that again on someone. Also, it clears my daughter of developing a reputation which she hasn't earned. At this point, my daughter is not interested in being friends with Amy anymore. Do I care? No, not really. Becky had told Amy just 4 months earlier that if Amy were to talk about her to anyone maliciously again, that she would no longer accept apologies and she'd be done with her. So, this is Becky's chance to assert herself and she lets Amy and anyone else who is involved with these girls that you will lose Becky's friendship if you betray her. I support that. As for my friendship with Amy's mother, well, time will tell. Likely, it will become non-existent, but I'm ok with that. In reality, had some other kid started a rumor about Becky, I would have probably forbidden Becky to hang out with that kid, so why should Amy be any different? In fact, it's worse, since Amy was supposed to be a close friend of Becky's. In the end, as President Obama would say, 'this was a teachable moment' for everyone involved and many lessons were derived from it. Hopefully, Amy has learned not to betray her friends and Becky has learned that if a relationship is toxic (ie. repeatedly poisoned by the other party), then it's ok to cut ties with them. To finish off this story, though, an interesting development happened the next day. A customer approached me at my work and because she knew that Becky attended this small school in our community, she asked if I knew of a girl named Amy that also went there. Turns out, Amy took a picture of herself standing naked in front of a mirror and texted it to a boy in town she has a crush on. The customer thought Amy's parents should know the picture had gone viral. "Kids, hey?"
 

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