The one relationship that consistently changes for most parents is the marriage.  For a variety of reasons, the way you relate to each other, the way you see each other, and the time you spend together all changes drastically once the first child enters the family.  And when you stop seeing yourself as the individual you were and nurturing your needs, and you become only mom, or only dad, the relationship you had when you were just you will suffer.

 The following factors play a role in the changing relationship:

1. Differences in parenting techniques.  Many couples disagree on how they will raise the children, handle discipline, etc…  This creates conflict and puts a strain on the relationship if there is a lack of communication and ability to compromise.

2. Less time alone.  Many couples become passive in finding ways to spend quality time alone without the kids. 

3. Failure to see yourselves as a couple aside from just mom and dad.  The stress and time consumed in raising children can cause irritability that is taken out on each other.

4. The loss of self…leading to anxiety and depression….thus leading to the breakdown of close relationships due to irritability and emotional exhaustion.

5. Lack of sex drive in the woman due to feeling tired and worn out, as well as emotionally distant from her husband.

        Falling into the “mom and dad trap” suggests that the “self” has been compromised.  Therefore, who you were in the relationship and what made it work originally no longer exists.  If your life becomes only about the kids, then all of the things that you enjoyed together as a couple before ceases to exist.  It is essential to allow time off from being just mom and dad.  It is okay to spend time for you being the couple you were before. 

TIPS FOR AVOIDING THE “MOM AND DAD TRAP”:

1.Find time to spend together alone.  It could be going out, or it could be doing something together after the kids are in bed.  Think about the things you did together before you had kids…try and engage in at least one special activity together each week.

2.Communicate about parenting techniques.  Understand and respect each other’s differences.  Find a middle ground and be on the same page about how you will be raising your children. 

3.Encourage each other to engage in the activities you enjoyed before.  Allow each other the time to do the things you want/need to do.  Support your partner’s needs to see friends, meet career goals, maintain a hobby…etc...

It is essential to understand the fundamental differences for men and women and their desire/need for sex.  Women need to feel close with their partner emotionally...feel they are connecting and everything is okay in order to want physical intimacy.  Men use sex to compensate for the lack of emotional closeness…sex makes them feel that everything is okay.  Understanding this conflict helps you to validate each other’s needs and correct the issue.  Women…tell your husbands if they want it, they better tend to your emotional needs first…and then you will want it too!